I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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