I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
My new dealer is 16. I have been getting high longer than he has been alive.
I don't see the problem
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
