when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
