we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
