I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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