I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
