I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
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