did you get engaged???
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
Randomize
