You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
It was odd. His friends dick tasted the same as his. Friends are beginning to have to much in common
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
