are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
only I would find a long lost relative through a craigslist casual encounters ad
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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