I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
