Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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