So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
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