That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just used my dick as to measure where my desk would go because I don't have a tape measure or a ruler.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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