1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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