I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
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So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
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Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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