a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
