dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
