you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
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