why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
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