the best thing about tacos is after you shit them all out you feel like to have room for your dignity to come back
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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