do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
