Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
How external is "for external use only"?
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
