I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
After tacos, we're chasing women.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
