I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
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