Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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