I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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