I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
