let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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