How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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