Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Randomize
