I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
