Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
