if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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