I've blown a few things in my day
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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