Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
