Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
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