Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
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If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
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Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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