Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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