i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Randomize
