I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
