I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
Randomize
