between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
