I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
