She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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