did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Randomize
