I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
