is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?
you sound like my dream girl
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
The bald eagles cry cause u drink canadian beer.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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