I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
