i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
