Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Randomize
