It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
