You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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