There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
His dick looks just like him, taller than average, thick, and somehow always angry.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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