Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Randomize
