I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
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