Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
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