i just want to meat her and do terribly wonderful things to her vagina...
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
