I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
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In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
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She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
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