i'm signing you up for texting rehab
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
