Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
