My sheets look like a crime scene.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
